It’s at the very essence of every human being that we want to matter, we want to love and to be loved, we want to feel accepted and we want to feel we are enough. This is the basics of all humans and if you do not desire any of those things, what are you? The Black Lives Matter movement has moved from just a moment that happens after every killing of an unarmed black man to a movement at the forefront of the entire world, all while in the midst of a pandemic. This fire started to rage in the hearts of many black people long ago, but as of the recent deaths of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery, this fire has seeped into the walls of our hearts exploding into the world around us and it is BURNING to the ground. This has sparked conversation and action between races like never before seen in history. It has peeled back the bandages exposing wounds that so many black and brown people have tried to keep covered (at least black people like me have tried to keep them covered). By peel, I actually mean it has been ripped off taking nearly every fiber with it. These conversations we are having has made many of us feel like we are re-living the same traumas over and over. It hurts, it is heavy, and a tiring thing to carry. To make matters worse, there are still those in opposition who want to divert the reality towards another spurious reality.
I have so much inside of me and I am trying to process it all even still. The first thing I want to address, is my silence in the past. I have seen the news, I have screamed about what’s going on with a safe person, like a family or friend, signed a few petitions, but my presence on social media was very minimal about things like this that mattered. Now the issue here is not my decision to not post but it is the reason why I chose not to. I made myself believe that It was solely because I wanted to keep my page “light”, but also if I am honest, I did not want to come off as angry, I did not want to make my non-black friends feel uncomfortable, and sometimes I just did not know what to say. Even now, there are so many opinions and guidance that it can feel like an overload. From what I am seeing, people’s stance on issues is somewhat of a spectrum, there are the ones who want peaceful protests that are trying to focus on the positive and then others that say burn it all down and focusing on what still needs to be done, and I think we are all just trying to find how best to move forward (then you have those that are in opposition but forget them). I think both of these perspectives are needed, because the people who focus on the positive give us hope and those who see what still needs to be done, are what keep us going. I say all this to say that through this, it is better to say something for what matters than nothing at all. I truly apologize for not outwardly expressing my emotions on the reality that we live in today sooner. That will not happen again, mark my words.
It’s interesting, I have a ton of forgotten memories, but I have never forgotten my brushes with racism. I have experienced the most blatant form of being call the N-word (at my old high school in Austin, TX), to being stopped and the police searching my car as I was on my way to see my boyfriend in Austin for no justifiable reason, to being with a group of black people and not getting in a particular club due to the color of our skin, to working at the River Oaks Country club and some of the elderly wealthy people not wanting to look me in my eyes because I am black. LITERALLY the list could go on and on. Let’s not forget the more subtle ways: “You are so pretty, there is no way you are all black, what are you mixed with?” or “Wow, you talk so proper.” Or feeling/sensing the uneasiness of my non-black friend when they were surrounded by only black people (which rarely happens) or even just being their ONLY black friend (diversify your friend circles, geez). And I will say, I got it from both sides…I was often called an “oreo” (definition: a black person who is black on the outside, but white on the inside). But that’s a conversation for another day. Being black, I feel the pressure to come extra hard in everything I do and to constantly fight the stereotypes that have been imposed upon me as a black women. It’s in the obvious ways, but also the more subtle ways like ensuring our yard is on point in our predominately non-black neighborhood; smiling extra hard, so I do not look too angry; we ensure our kids names aren’t “too black” so they can get jobs, get into colleges, ” (although I do love my kids names), etc. Isn’t that sad?
So I say all this to share my experience, but also to say that we have work to do! Everyone joked that we would see 20/20 in 2020 and I think that is where we are right now. It is very clear that our country is deep-rooted in racism and it is clear that police-ing has to desperately change. Stats show that cops kill other races too, but black people are the only race who are killed just because they are BLACK. As black parents, we are having to have conversations with our kids way early, and my non-black friends are realizing that they are having to teach anti-racism to their kids (Let me just say, I am sure it is uncomfortable, but teaching it is way better than having to experience it). Years before the goal was colorblindness – “we don’t see color” – but that is absurd. My 5 year old may not be able to fully understand the concept of racism, heck it barely makes sense to me, but he does know that he is different than his best friend. And you know what, that’s okay, God made him with that beautiful brown skin and made us in different colors. We are all made in the image of God.
I just want to remind you of the parable of the persistent widow that Jesus shared to his disciples in Luke 18.
Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2 He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. 3 And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’
4 “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”
6 And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7 And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”
Even though the judge’s decision was not based on justice, she still got the justice she fought for, why? Because she never gave up! I am encouraging you that we keep going. We keep posting, we keep talking about it, we keep signing petitions, we keep volunteering, we get out and vote, we keep educating, we lift up the black community up, and most importantly, we NEVER STOP PRAYING. Reversing racism seems like a huge task, but I will tell you only God can change the hearts of men. He hears our prays, so we keep praying. And you know what, if their hearts aren’t changed like the unjust judge, we will get justice through our persistence. Standing on God’s word, in verse Luke 18:7, he said: “And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off?” God does not lie.
You know some wounds require the band aid off to heal, requiring the air to keep it dry. These wounds if left covered, will get too moist under the band-aid causing the wound to get infected. This is a hard place to be in, but it is a needed place to be in for healing. Take solace in knowing that you are not alone. For my non-black friends reading this, please continue to be our allies.
BLACK LIVES MATTER!!!
Painting by me
Thank you for reading! XOXO